One of the biggest mistakes we make with feedback is waiting too long to give it.
We hold back until the stakes are high, emotions are loaded, and the conversation feels like a confrontation.
Because we wait too long, the other person hasn’t had the benefit of small, timely course corrections, and they respond with surprise, defensiveness, or confusion. We meet their reaction with a reaction of our own and end up rambling, sugarcoating, or talking too much.
Too many words and the delay end up diluting our collective memories of what actually happened. By waiting too long to give feedback, we reduce our chances of helping our employees grow and change.
When it comes to giving feedback, it is like that metaphor about planting a tree:
The best time to do it was 25 years ago. The second-best time is today.
We need to remember this metaphor whenever we consider giving feedback.
The Problem With How Most Leaders Give Feedback
Last week, I was speaking to a client who needed to provide feedback to an employee. The leader’s first instinct was to explain everything: the context, the history, the risk, the person’s intent, and all the other moments when the behavior happened.
That’s normal. Most leaders fall into this trap.
But there are two problems with this approach:
- Too many words dilute the message, and
- Many of the things you believe are facts (the context, history, risk, person’s intent, etc.) are actually interpretations.
When feedback is wrapped in too much story, interpretation, and assumption, it loses clarity. The message gets fuzzy. The other person may disagree with your interpretation, and arguments may erupt. Once our defense mechanism kicks in, we will struggle to connect to what’s important or what we need to do differently.
How to Give Feedback as a Leader (4-Step Formula)
When you strip feedback down to its essentials, it’s just holding up a mirror and showing the other person what they’re doing and the effect it’s having.
I like to use a four-step structure:
- Ask permission – Whenever you want to give feedback, ask the other person: “Can I give you some feedback?” If they say yes, provide them with the input. If they say no, respect and accept their response, knowing you can revisit the matter later.
- State the behavior and the impact – If the person says yes to your question, say the following: “When you [specific behavior], [impact] happens.” For example, when you lean back in your chair, cross your arms, and roll your eyes, it makes me think that you don’t respect your colleagues. Make a crystal clear statement about the behavior and share behaviors that others could observe on a video replay. Avoid vague labels like “unprofessional” or “negative.” Say exactly what they did.
- Make a request – After stating the behavior and impact, ask: “Can you [specific request] going forward?” For example, can you stop sitting back in your chair, crossing your arms, and rolling your eyes when meeting with your colleagues? If they say yes, follow up with a simple thank you. If they say no, inform them that it is disappointing to hear they are unwilling to change their behavior for the benefit of the team and end the conversation promptly. Do not get into a debate or an argument. You did your job by providing the feedback, and you won’t change their behavior in one fell swoop. Be patient and know you will be able to address this behavior again in the future.
- Solidify the commitment – Finally, if the person agrees to change their behavior, say: “Thank you, I appreciate that you are committed to making this change,” and leave it at that.
A Better Example of How To Give Feedback As a Leader
You: “Hey Bob, can I give you some feedback?”
Bob: “Sure, what’s up?”
You: “In yesterday’s meeting, when you interrupted Sue to point out that there were three questions in the chat, it disrupted the flow of the session, and took away her leadership. Can you hold back on jumping in when someone else is leading?”
Bob: “Yeah, you are right. I probably should have let her handle it.”
You: “I appreciate that you can see that. So, going forward, can you commit to not interrupting or trying to take over when your colleagues are leading meetings?”
Bob: “Yes”
You: “Great! Thank You.”
Done. Thirty seconds. Clear. Actionable. Respectful.
Why This Feedback Formula Works
- It’s concrete. The behavior is clear and specific.
- It’s direct. No extra story or justification to dilute the message.
- It’s respectful. Asking permission signals that you respect their autonomy and agency.
- It’s actionable. They know exactly what to do (or not do) next time.
Build the Habit With Positive Feedback
If the only time you say, “Can I give you some feedback?” is when something’s wrong, people will brace for bad news. That’s not what you want.
Instead, use the same structure for positive reinforcement:
“Can I give you some feedback? In that meeting two weeks ago, when you stayed quiet instead of correcting Sue on the process, it kept the meeting on track and made it easier for the team to focus. Thank you for letting your colleagues take the lead. That is exactly what good teamwork looks like. Can you keep supporting Sue as she steps into this leadership role?”
Positive feedback builds trust and lowers defenses. When constructive feedback is received, it’s within the context of a balanced relationship.
Separate the Decision From the Feedback
One common trap is blending an operational decision (“You’re not attending this meeting”) with behavioral feedback (“Here’s why you tend to cause problems in meetings”).
They’re different conversations. Keep them separate.
- Decision conversation: Explain the business reason. Keep it short.
- Feedback conversation: Address the behavior promptly and succinctly to course-correct and establish a commitment.
This prevents the person from feeling ambushed and keeps each message clean.
Capture Behaviors, Not Labels
To improve your feedback-giving skills, start writing down what you observe as behaviors, rather than making judgments about them.
Instead of:
- “He’s difficult to work with.”
- “She’s not a team player.”
Capture what you actually saw or heard:
- “In the project rollout meeting, he implemented a process without consulting the regional lead.”
- “When the marketing plan was presented, she dismissed two ideas without asking clarifying questions.”
Specific behaviors provide a solid foundation for discussion and offer the other person a clear understanding of what needs to change.
Softening Without Diluting
Not every piece of feedback needs to hit like a hammer. Sometimes you can soften the language without losing the point:
“It seems like you don’t always take advantage of the expertise we have on the team.”
Vs.
“You haven’t asked anyone else’s opinion in six months.”
Both address the same issue, but the first invites dialogue; the second risks putting someone immediately on the defensive.
The Payoff of Consistent Feedback
If you start giving small, specific, and timely feedback that is both positive and constructive, you’ll build a track record of clarity and trust.
Instead of saving up a year’s worth of frustrations for one big “We need to talk” conversation (which rarely goes well), you create an ongoing loop of observation, action, and improvement.
And when the stakes get high, the other person won’t be blindsided. They’ll already know what you expect and how to deliver it.
The Subtle Shift
As a leader, your job isn’t just to spot problems. You are supposed to shape behavior in a way that strengthens the team. The most effective feedback is straightforward, quick, specific, and consistent. Done well, it’s not a confrontation. It’s conversational and helpful.
