Have you ever noticed how sometimes you know what to change, but you just can’t seem to do it?
You can see the behavior clearly and name the impact it’s having, but when the moment comes, you repeat the same pattern again and again.
Yeah. We’ve all been there.
Years ago, before I became a coach, my company enrolled me in an executive development program. Part of it included a 360 assessment to help me see how I was actually showing up.
When I got my results, it hit me like a ton of bricks: people saw me as critical, arrogant, and pushy.
At first, the feedback really hurt and I got defensive.
I told myself they just didn’t get it and tried to convince my coach of the same. I told him I held high standards and was pushing for excellence but he saw right through it.
He helped me realize that my leadership style was actually shutting people down. My precision came across as judgment, my drive sounded like dismissal, and my confidence looked like cockiness.
So I went to work and committed myself to change.
I tried to listen more, react less, and ask questions before giving answers.
And for a while, it worked. People noticed the difference, and some even said I was easier to be around.
Then work got busy, pressure kicked back in, and without even realizing it, I slipped right back into my old ways.
That’s when it hit me.
The hardest game to win isn’t the outer one; it is the inner one. It is easy to change a behavior temporarily. You can grit your teeth, bite your tongue, and act differently for a little while. But if the same beliefs are running in the background, the old patterns will eventually return.
See, our minds are full of justifications. We have tiny arguments that keep repeating in our heads, defending our worst habits.
“I’m not being arrogant, I’m just right.”
“I’m not impatient, I just care about quality.”
“I’m not controlling, I’m responsible.”
Do any of these sound familiar?
These justifications feel logical. They even sound noble. But all they really do is protect our egos from discomfort. They let us feel like we are right, but they keep us from growing.
Until we confront those justifications and tackle the beliefs that hide behind our behaviors, change doesn’t stick. It might look like progress on the outside, but it’s temporary. It’s like pulling weeds without getting the roots.
So if you’ve been trying to change a behavior and keep finding yourself back where you started, try this:
Next time you catch the pattern, pause and ask—
“What story am I telling myself that makes this okay?”
Don’t judge the answer.
Just notice it.
Because once you can see your justification, you’re no longer ruled by it. You’ve identified the root, and now you can pull it out.
The inner game is challenging because it requires radical honesty. It asks you to look straight at the part of yourself you’d rather explain away. But if you can do that, with curiosity instead of shame, you’ll win the only game that truly matters.
The one inside.
And one last thought…
You don’t need to fix yourself. You just need to face yourself.
You’ve got this.
