Have you ever noticed how a conversation can go exactly as you planned but still end badly? There seems to be a big gap between our intentions and our impact, and while we all want our intent to align with our impact, they often pull in different directions. I find clients want their intent to equal their impact, but it often plays out more like intent vs. impact.
One of my first clients taught me more about this than any book I’ve read.
When I started my coaching practice, I worked with a man we’ll call John to protect his identity. John ran a thriving startup in Washington, DC. He stood about 6 ft 5 in and was built like a bodybuilder. He was the kind of guy you’d call a gentle giant, but you had to scratch through the surface to see it. He wanted to be a better leader, and he admitted he was struggling with frustration and anger issues. So our work focused on helping him relax, reduce stress, put a few new systems in place, and build his executive presence.
John’s team of 25 worked in a very small space. Everyone sat in cubicles, including John, because he wanted to stay close to the work and the people doing it. We usually met in the evenings after everyone had gone home.
One evening, John told me about a difficult encounter with one of his employees. She’d been coming in late, and he’d decided he had to do something about it. So the next time she came in late, he was standing at her desk waiting for her, in full view of everyone in the cubicles around her.
To his credit, he knew the conversation should be private. But the office didn’t have a conference room or even an office, so he walked her to the only private space they had, a small closet in the back.
It didn’t go the way he hoped. She started crying, got visibly upset, and then left the building. A few of her coworkers followed her out to support her.
When I asked John what his intentions were, he said he simply wanted her to know that coming in late wasn’t fair to the team or the business. He’d hoped for a relaxed conversation where he could give her the feedback and move on. He also made a point of telling me he’d stayed calm and composed the whole time.
I asked him to show me where they’d talked, and I was appalled. It was a dark, dirty closet, about 6 by 4 feet, in the corner of the open space. Then I asked him where each of them had been standing. She’d been inside the closet, and he’d been standing in the doorway.
So I asked him one more question. How would you feel if your back was in the corner of a closet and someone much bigger than you was blocking the door?
He realized instantly where he’d gone wrong. We talked about how she might have felt as a 5 ft 4 in woman in that spot, and how his presence could have helped or hurt her. In this situation, it hurt.
Intent vs impact: what people read before they hear you
John’s intentions were good. The trouble is that nobody else could see them.
Stephen M.R. Covey describes the trap well in The Speed of Trust:
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” Stephen M. R. Covey
John thought he did a good job because he stuck to the script and stayed calm. He was so proud of himself for implementing much of what we discussed in his coaching, but like many who are intentional about change, he was a few significant degrees off course. His employee had a completely different experience, and John was completely unaware of it. She experienced a boss waiting at her desk in front of her coworkers (how embarrassing); then a very large man stood between her and the only way out (how frightening). And if I were a betting man, I’d wager that she could also sense his state.
That’s intent vs. impact in a single moment.
In my experience, successful leaders put a lot of work into their words and assume the rest takes care of itself. But people are reading five signals at once:
- Your body language
- Your facial expressions
- The tone of your voice
- The pace of your voice
- The words you choose
Your words are only one of the five, and they often arrive last. When the other four send a different message, people usually remember that.
Here’s the subtle shift:
Before a hard conversation, picture it from the other person’s perspective.
You don’t have to become a different person to do this. John didn’t need to shrink himself or stop being direct. He needed to see what she would see, and that takes a little attention before you walk in.
- Choose the place on purpose. Think about where they’ll be and where you’ll be.
- Notice your stance and your facial expressions, not just your script.
- Slow down, because calm words delivered quickly can still feel like pressure.
- Ask someone you trust how you come across when you’re frustrated, and then really listen to the answer.
So think about the last time something you said didn’t land the way you meant it.
Which of the five signals got in the way?
That’s where closing the gap between intent vs. impact starts.
