Welcome to The Subtle Shift, a weekly newsletter where I share small but powerful ideas to help you lead with clarity, inspire change, and create a lasting impact. Last week, I wrote about why the ends don’t justify the means. Leadership isn’t just about getting results but also how we get them. But this week, I want to speak directly to leaders who lean toward the relationship side of the spectrum. If you tend to prioritize connection, collaboration, and care for others, then you’ve probably faced the following challenge:
How do I hold people to high standards without damaging the relationship?
I get it. Conflict—especially when handled poorly—can chip away at trust. It can feel risky to speak up. So instead of setting clear expectations or addressing performance issues directly, relationship-focused leaders often hesitate, soften, or avoid the conversation altogether.
But here’s the irony: when we avoid holding people to a higher standard, we don’t protect the relationship—we weaken it.
Why It Matters
High standards aren’t the opposite of strong relationships—they’re a part of strong relationships.
When we challenge people with care, we show them we believe in them. When we communicate expectations clearly, we give people a chance to rise. And when we follow through on accountability, we build a culture of trust, clarity, and shared ownership.
The trick is learning how to do it well—how to hold the standard without breaking the connection.
Here are three subtle shifts that can help:
Shift #1: From “Calling Out” to “Calling Up”
Many leaders avoid accountability conversations because they don’t want to come across as harsh or critical. But holding someone to a higher standard doesn’t have to feel like an attack.
It’s not about calling them out—it’s about calling them up.
You’re not pointing out flaws. You’re pointing to potential.
Try this:
- Instead of saying, “This isn’t acceptable,” say, “I know you’re capable of more than this, and I want to support you in getting there.”
That subtle change in framing shifts the tone from judgment to belief—and it can make all the difference in how the message is received.
Shift #2: From Fear of Conflict to Confidence in Clarity
When we avoid tough conversations, we’re usually trying to preserve the relationship. But what we actually create is confusion.
People can’t meet expectations they don’t understand. And over time, unclear expectations lead to frustration—on both sides.
Clarity builds trust.
Try this:
- Set clear expectations early and revisit them often. Please don’t wait for a performance issue to bring them up. Make expectations part of your ongoing conversations.
The more you discuss what success looks like, the more confident—and less confrontational—your feedback can become.
Shift #3: From Emotional Withdrawal to Relational Investment
Some leaders assume that being tough on performance means pulling back emotionally—being more distant, less empathetic, and more businesslike. They struggle to shift between results and relationships.
However, performance improves because of relationships, not in spite of them.
Accountability lands better when it’s wrapped in connection.
Try this:
- After a hard conversation, don’t pull away. Lean in. Follow up. Offer support. Check-in and ask how they’re doing.
Let them know you care not just about the work—but about them. That’s what earns you the right to push for more.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Imagine leading someone who missed a key deadline. You could avoid the conversation to “keep the peace.” Or you could say:
“Hey, I want to talk about the deadline last week. I know that’s not the standard you hold yourself to, and it’s not what I expect from you either. Let’s talk about what got in the way, and how we can make sure you’re set up to succeed moving forward.”
That’s direct. It’s clear. And it preserves the relationship.
Leadership Is a Balancing Act
Holding people to high standards and maintaining strong relationships is a balancing act. But it’s not a choice between one or the other. It’s about learning how to do both—intentionally and skillfully.
So this week, ask yourself:
- Is there a conversation I’ve been avoiding in the name of “protecting the relationship”?
- What’s one small shift I can make to be more clear, more courageous, or more connected?
The best leaders don’t sacrifice relationships for results; they strengthen relationships through results.
Here’s to a week of clarity, courage, and subtle shifts that move everyone forward.
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